


The XV Days of Christmas

by FirstSelector



Category: Parahumans Series - Wildbow
Genre: Alternate Universe, Bad Decisions, Butcher!Taylor, Christmas Music, Excessive Drinking, F/F, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Multi, Secret Identity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:22:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 15,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28106202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FirstSelector/pseuds/FirstSelector
Summary: Taylor has had a pretty awful year, but at least she has new friends with which to celebrate the holidays!
Relationships: Carlos/Alec, Taylor Hebert/Vex, Taylor Hebert/Vex/Amy Dallon, Victoria Dallon/Dean Stansfield/Rune
Comments: 76
Kudos: 312





	1. Day 1

**Author's Note:**

> C/W: Underage drinking
> 
> Heavily inspired by The Butcher's Bill and Here Comes the New Boss.
> 
> Expect cursed ships, straight played crack, unnecessary debauchery, and Christmas carols.

_(Sunday, Dec 11 2011)_

“Fifteen bees a stinging!”

“Fourteen bows a shooting!”

“Thirteen knives a stabbing!”

“Twelve bullets failing!”

“Eleven epic bar fights!”

“Ten acids melting!”

“Nine crowds a ragin’!”

“Eight walls a shaping!”

“Seven plans ongoing!”

“Six big explosions!”

“FIVE SHARPENED TEETH!” The discordant clamoring of twelve groups of bugs and one drunk bug controller was not a pleasant sound.

“Four clean piles of bone!”

Reflex’s verse was silent except for the steadily deteriorating sounds from my guitar.

“Two bags of blood!”

“AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE!” we all belted together, since Butcher didn’t want to sing with us.

I strummed the last few chords, flailing with my drunken fingers to get at least the last chord right. The Butchers laughed in my head as I dispersed the clumps of bugs I had been using to ‘sing’ for them, but it was in good humor. Mostly.

 _“Your playing is coming along nicely,”_ Chisel said with faint approval.

 _“Singing could use some work,”_ Ironsides grumbled.

“Hey, at least I’m in tune,” I pointed out with a giggle, attempting to strum a few chords.

Alkaline snorted. _“Don’t hurt yourself, Taylor.”_

I leaned back on the ratty old couch that was the only furniture in my lair and picked idly at the guitar. Chisel had been quite good at the instrument, and I had long since grown used to following muscle memory that I had never taken the time to develop. The others were not particularly pleased that I was playing Christmas music of all things, but it was either play the guitar or sob in the corner.

“Any requests?” I asked, taking the last swig out of my beer bottle and tossing it into the corner.

 _“Yeah, get your dumb ass back to the Teeth and --”_ I muted Butcher before he could complain more.

I considered it a Christmas miracle when the other Butchers all mentally shrugged and just let me play. And drink. Not at the same time -- having my bugs lift the bottles had not worked well enough to prevent me from getting beer on myself.

 _“If you still desire to see your father, you are approaching the opportune day,”_ Damascian said, interrupting my playing.

“And why would I want to do that?”

Surprisingly, it was Marauder who answered. _“Kid, you only get one family.”_

 _“Family doesn’t betray each other like that,”_ Sabertooth growled back.

I pushed them both lightly and they shut up. I didn't want to rehash that argument again. Luckily, the rest of them got the hint and let me play to myself in relative peace.

Ten beers and an hour later, I was stumbling through ‘Jingle Bell Rock’ while my mental roommates chatted amongst themselves when I felt a series of suspicious movements on the periphery of my bugs. Someone was approaching my lair, which knowing my luck would mean that I was going to need to beat the shit out of them.

“Heroesh?” I slurred, striking a particularly bad chord.

 _“Coming by themselves and, it seems, out of costume?”_ Stratego shook his metaphorical head. _“Unlikely.”_

My hands froze on the guitar, notably increasing the quality of the music emanating from the poor instrument. “Whatcha think they want?” The collective didn’t have any better ideas than me, and I resumed my attempts to coax something like music from the guitar.

I was halfway through my poor attempt to play and sing ‘Deck the Halls’ by time the mystery visitor walked up to the front door and hesitated. My costume and weapons were either back home or in some PRT evidence vault somewhere, so I didn’t have much that needed hiding in the lair apart from my bugs.

_Knock-knock!_

I set the guitar down with enough force that Chisel winced in my head before lurching unsteadily to my feet and shuffling towards the door. It opened to reveal a thin teenage girl with blonde hair and a narrow face holding a small gift-wrapped package.

“Hello?” I slurred. “Who are you?”

“Hi,” the girl said, obviously nervous. “I’m, um, delivering a gift.” She held out the package on slightly wavering arms.

My reply was as eloquent as I could manage. “Huh?”

“It’s from Kaiser,” the girl said.

 _“What the hell?”_ Alkaline murmured, the sentiment shared by the others.

Indeed, the gift was wrapped in red and white paper with a black bow. “You drew the short straw?”

“Something like that,” the girl replied bitterly.

 _“Kaiser can’t even be arsed to deliver his own ‘gifts,’ the bastard,”_ Ironsides said.

I wondered if Kaiser was trying to scare a new recruit by sending them to deal with me. “That shucks. Do you, uh, want to come in and have a drink or shomething? I’m trying to play Chrishtmas music.”

The girl cracked a microscopic smile. “I heard. You kinda suck.”

My sudden bark of a laugh made the girl cringe back, and I waved my hands in a vain attempt to assuage her fear. “Yeah I do. Think you can, uh, do better?”

“You know what?” the girl said. “Fuck it. I really should just go back, but honestly this is way fucking better.” She waved the gift at me, which I took, and she stuck out her hand. “I’m Tammi.”

“Taylor,” I said. “Do you like beer?”

\---

As it turned out, Tammi did not like the beer I had been stockpiling. She vastly preferred the bottle of nice scotch that Kaiser had sent as a gift for having taken out Quarrel. There was probably some political angle to it that, in my drunken state, I didn’t catch, but that was a problem for future Taylor.

“Oh what fun it is to sing a sleighing song tonight!” Tammi yelled from next to me, brandishing the nearly empty bottle in my face.

I stopped my attempts at ‘playing’ and gave her an odd look. “Is it ‘sleighing,’ like with a horse, or ‘slaying,’ like with a sword?”

Tammi giggled at me. “What the fuck do you think?” she asked.

“Yeah but like,” I tried. “Uh, what if instead it was ‘slashing through the snow?’”

 _“With a dumb dragon to slay!”_ Chisel provided immediately. I repeated it out loud for Tammi.

“Through the docks we go, laughing all the way,” she continued, then stuck her tongue out at me. “What, it works!”

 _“Cheater,”_ Sanguine grumbled. I agreed.

 _“Knives on scales ring,”_ Ironsides added.

 _“The glory of the fight,”_ Marauder cheered.

Tammi looked at me funny when I relayed the two verses, scrunching up her face in thought. “Oh what fun is to laugh and sing, a slaying song tonight!”

I did my best to play the chorus on the guitar. “Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way!”

“Oh what fun, it is to fight, a dragon in the bay!” Tammi sang.

For the first time in weeks, I had a good night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See my comment below for the list of prior Butchers and their powers.


	2. Day 2

“Ugh, my head,” Tammi whined.

I agreed wholeheartedly.

Despite being a Noctis cape, I was still able to pass out drunk. It took considerably more effort than for a normal person, but after a night of singing and drinking with Tammi we had both been incapacitated. Unfortunately, since the only furniture in my lair was a comfortable but worn couch, we had both ‘slept’ sitting up.

“I think my back hurts more,” I grumbled into my coffee.

Tammi, fancy-ass glorified gopher that she was, had insisted on actual food for breakfast. She had practically thrown me out the door and carried me to the nearest diner, and now we were enjoying the miracle of greasy breakfast food. And coffee.

_ “This coffee tastes like ass,” _ Fester complained.

_ “How do you know what ass tastes like?” _ Pyro retorted.

I ignored the byplay in favor of listening to Tammi. “So you, like, live in that warehouse?”

“Yeah,” I said, not meeting her eyes. Coffee was very interesting, after all. “Ran away from home for, uh, obvious reasons.”

Tammi nodded. “I getcha. I ran from home too, only to discover that what I thought was a good time ended up sucking ass.”

“The Empire,” I murmured.

“Yeah, they treat me like crap.”

“Well, you can hang out with me whenever you want,” I said.

“What, and subject myself to your ‘music’ more than I have already?” she smirked.

_ “Girl’s got a point,” _ Quarrel said.

I rolled my eyes at her, finally looking up from my coffee. “You weren’t that much better.”

She just laughed at me, and I couldn’t even snipe back due to the timely arrival of our food.

\---

Tammi, as it turned out, didn’t mind my singing. She wanted to come back with me, but her offer was contingent upon me following her home first and showering. I had been living kind of rough, all things considered, and Tammi refused to hang out until I no longer smelled like I lived in a warehouse in the docks.

I wished her the best of luck with that. In response, the borrowed clothes she brought out for me included the ugliest Christmas sweater I had ever seen. The only consolation prize was that her cousin and cousin-in-law were not around to see it.

I was then sent to the grocery store while Tammi ‘procured’ another couch. Given her affiliation, I didn’t want to ask any questions. On my way home, I robbed an Empire storehouse with an army of beetles and dragonflies, because while Kaiser’s gift was nice, it wasn’t  _ that _ nice. The stupid Nazis didn’t even realize I was there, which didn’t even qualify as a Christmas miracle given how many times I had done the same thing in the past.

By time we had reconvened in my slightly more accommodating lair, it was nearly dinner.

“So,” Tammi said around a mouthful of grocery store sub sandwich, “plans for tonight?”

“Same thing we do every night, Tammi,” I started.

“Get drunk and invent new lyrics for Christmas songs?” she asked.

“I… yeah,” I said quietly. “I’m kind of boring.”

_ “Ain’t that the truth,” _ Fester spat.

Tammi nearly spit out her food. “Taylor, please, hanging out with you has been hilarious.”

I glanced at the sub in my own hands. “I mean, even before, uh, running away, I didn’t really have friends or anything. I just sat home and read books and whatever.”

“No friends?” Tammi asked.

“Well, I had one, but she stabbed me in the back.” Tammi raised a questioning eyebrow. “Not literally,” I clarified.

“Did you shank her back?” Tammi asked, completely serious.

_ “See! Even she gets it!” _ Marauder hissed.

“No,” I said firmly. Tammi blinked in obvious confusion, jaw dropping open to expose a bit of unchewed sub sandwich. “Look, can we talk about something else?”

“Yeah, of course,” Tammi said.

As it turned out, we didn’t talk about something else. The other Butchers mostly complained at me while Tammi and I sat around awkwardly eating our food. The uncomfortable silence persisted until my bugs indicated, once again, that we had a visitor.

“Did you invite friends over?” I asked.

“Are you kidding?” Tammi said. “You’d hate them.”

I nodded my head absently. “Yeah, probably.” Bug senses were crap, and trying to see who was coming just gave me a headache. I pulled out a beer and started drinking instead.

The newcomer didn’t even knock. “Hello simpletons!” a female voice called as soon as the door slammed open. “I bring gifts of Christmas cheer or whatever the fuck you celebrate, courtesy of the Bay’s one and only rage dragon!”

“Er, thanks,” I said, eying the girl. She was Asian and maybe a few years older than me and Tammi, and had a big box wrapped in green and red wrapping paper. “Set it down anywhere. Want a beer?”

The girl -- Alice, as it turned out -- also snubbed my offer of beer, opting to dig around in Lung’s package for a bottle of sake. “Now this,” she declared, “is the good shit. And trust me, I’m a genius when it comes to, well, everything.”

“How about songwriting?” I said, picking up the guitar.

\---

Alice was terrible at songwriting, bombastic personality or no.

“Oh the Nazis outside are frightful!” I sang.

“And the bombs are so delightful,” Tammi grumbled.

“Radiation makes a pretty glow,” Alice sang.

“Let it blow, let it blow, let it blow!” we chorused.


	3. Day 3

_“Damn Taylor, drinking yourself into oblivion_ two _nights in a row?”_ Pyro cackled as I struggled towards consciousness.

“Fuck you and the horse you rode in on,” I muttered back.

“What was that?” Alice mumbled from… on top of me. While I had managed to pass out drunk lying mostly on the armrest, again, the newest addition to our band had fallen over in her sleep and ended up practically in my lap.

Tammi, of course, was fast asleep on her own suspiciously procured couch.

“Nothing,” I said, not bothering to push Alice off of my lap. She would get up eventually, or she would not.

It wasn’t until Tammi started moving that we roused ourselves from the half-sleep zombification that inevitably followed a night of revelry. “I still can’t believe you’re wearing that sweater.”

“I know right?” Alice said, pushing herself up and assessing me with a critical eye. “I’ve seen some brain-melting shit, but you in a Christmas sweater takes the fuckin’ cake.”

 _“It is strangely fitting,”_ Alkaline said cryptically.

“Whatever, I’m hungry,” I said. “Pizza?”

“Yeah sure but only if we get it from Mama Roberto’s,” Alice said instantly. “Only decent pizza in this godforsaken state. Even in Ithaca, the literal ass end of nowhere, we had a few decent chains.”

“I like deep dish,” Tammi ventured.

Big mistake.

Alice had what must have been a pre-prepared explosive outburst about what did and did not constitute pizza, as the argument ended as abruptly as it began, leaving me and Tammi staring wide-eyed at the girl. She took our silence for ascent and ordered half a dozen large pizzas to be delivered to my lair.

When I bit down into my first piece of pepperoni’d goodness, I had to admit that Alice might have a point.

“I fuckin’ told you so,” she said as soon as I glanced in her direction.

“Huh?”

“You were going to tell me how good this pizza is! And like, I know my shit, and that includes pizza, too.” Alice took a self-satisfied bite of pizza, daring me with her eyes to contest her opinion.

“It’s ok,” Tammi said. “Needs more sauce.”

I barely dodged the indignant spray of pizza from Alice’s mouth.

\---

Both Alice and Tammi left following their argument, promising to return that night to hang out again. I was honestly confused, because I didn’t think that drinking heavily and butchering Christmas songs was high up on their list of priorities.

The Butchers, of course, didn’t help my deliberations.

 _“That Alice girl is kind of cute,”_ Pyro said cheekily.

“I’m, uh, straight.”

 _“A valiant defense of one’s sexuality if I’ve ever heard it,”_ Damasican said.

 _“Also don’t be dumb, do you think a love of drinking is the only thing you got from us?”_ Knockout said.

“You just want me to start a bar fight.”

 _"Of course he does,”_ Chisel said with a mental facepalm.

 _“That one time in Philadelphia was so epic that Alexandria herself had to break it up!”_ he bragged.

“It is kind of fun to punch Nazis,” I agreed.

We lapsed into our usual banter, punctuated by occasional complaints about sitting around and not doing anything interesting, while I plucked at the guitar a bit more. More Christmas songs, of course, but without the alcohol I could actually play reasonably well.

Unlike the last two days, I was reasonably sober when I had yet _another_ visitor. This one was a girl too, but unlike the others she didn’t come bearing gifts. More importantly, the Butchers recognized her as soon as I opened the door.

“Chrissie,” I said, voice flat.

“Heya boss,” she replied. “Heard you were throwing a party and didn’t invite us, so I came to see what you’re up to.”

The newest girl was maybe a year or two older than me. She was average height, had short-cropped red hair, and a series of visible scars on her face and hands. She waltzed into the room like she owned it, pulling some pizza out of the box and snagging a beer before sitting down on the new couch.

“Nice place,” she said around a mouthful of pizza. “Not as nice as the base, Animos just got his hands on a new big screen tv.”

 _“I guarantee they’re watching porn on it,”_ Ironsides sighed.

 _“Either that or video games,”_ Alkaline said wistfully. _“Taylor, you need to get a tv.”_

 _“They’re free if you find them in a Nazi’s house,”_ Sabertooth added.

I shook my head as the conversation degenerated, and Chrissie gave me a wide smile. “How do you plan on keeping your little secret if you keep spacing out like that?”

“Most of the time I ignore them,” I snapped. “Keep your transparent, pointed commentary to yourself.”

Chrissie blinked. “Boss… did you seriously make a _pun_? Where is the Butcher and what have you done with them?”

“They’re right here,” I sighed, tapping the side of my head. “Why are you here, Vex?”

“Not to kill you and take the mantle, if that’s what you’re worried about,” she said, gesturing with her beer bottle. “Just want to see what you’re doing.”

“I’m mourning the death of my career as an indie hero,” I deadpanned.

“Yeah, yeah, the PRT blows donkey dick, it happens to all of us,” she said. “When are you coming home?”

I growled at her, and to her credit she only flinched a little. “I’m not.”

“Yeah? What do the others think about that?” Chrissie said with a vicious smile.

“I don’t particularly care what they think,” I said, raising my voice to overpower the sudden clamoring in my head. “I’m going to find a way to be a hero. Somehow.”

“Right,” Chrissie said, voice heavy with skepticism. “Well, the rest of us think your bug powers are awesome, so don’t leave us hanging too long.”

“What do you all think? Best way to torture her?” I mused.

 _“Oh, I have an idea,”_ Chisel said as Chrissie jumped up from the couch.

 _“No, anything but that!”_ Marauder whined.

 _“This is going to be great!”_ Sanguine cheered.

“Hey, wait a sec boss, we’re all being friendly here,” she said quickly. “I just want to…”

Whatever she wanted to do was left unsaid as I reached for the guitar. I strummed a few chords and adjusted the tuning before looking Chrissie straight in the eyes. “On the first day of Christmas, the Butcher brought to me,” I sang.


	4. Day 4

I woke up the next morning with Chrissie cuddling me.

“Sorry, boss,” she yawned, making no move to let me go.

“You don’t seem sorry,” I said, rather jealous of how Tammi and Alice had their own personal sleeping space. If the pattern continued and we got more visitors, I was totally instituting a couch tax at the door.

“It’s considered an honor to sleep with the --”

“Yes ok fine,” I said quickly. I ignored the raucous jeering in my head.

Chrissie took that as permission to keep cuddling, and I had to also ignore the warm feeling it sent through my body. “Also, I am  _ so _ telling the others that you’re wearing an ugly sweater.”

“I know right?” Alice said, stretching up from her spot on the couch. She glanced around the room before her eyes fell on the stack of pizza boxes. “Fuck yes, my brilliant plan paid off.”

“Ordering extra pizza qualifies as a ‘brilliant plan?’” Tammi asked as Alice ruffled through the boxes.

“Maybe in the ABB,” Chrissie muttered.

_ “I knew we kept her around for a reason,” _ Quarrel said. Even I laughed a little bit at that.

Alice’s retort was thankfully obstructed by pizza, so Tammi ignored her and turned to me. “Same thing today?”

“I think we need more beer,” I pointed out. “You guys are draining me dry.”

“I know for a fact that you robbed another of our safehouses blind,” Tammi pointed out.

“Yeah well you three drink a lot,” I countered, poking Chrissie with my free hand. “You especially.”

“You flatter me, boss,” Chrissie said. “We’re in the Docks, just go knock over a Chinese restaurant.” I poked her more forcefully, eliciting a pained squeak. “I get it,” she complained.

I eventually had to push Chrissie off of me so that we could both get up and have the breakfast of champions -- cold pizza and beer. The other three girls were happy to banter, poking fun at each other and my gifted Christmas sweater, but it didn’t take long for them to notice my relative silence.

“Yo boss, something on your mind?” Chrissie asked.

_ “You know, other than us.” _ Thanks, Alkaline.

I rolled the beer bottle in my hand and tried to figure out how truthful I wanted to be. For reasons that I really couldn’t fathom, the three girls had continually come back to hang out with me instead of, say, running in fear or throwing containment foam grenades at me. I sincerely doubted that it was my outgoing personality or musical skills, and they could all probably get as much alcohol as they wanted without me, so I was kind of at a loss for a reason.

I was also a little drunk and a lot lonely.

“It’s weird, I guess, hanging out with people,” I said quietly. “I don’t have any friends and barely any family. I’ve been basically alone for almost a year and a half, and now there’s no chance in hell people will just be my friend or whatever. I’m not even sure I know how to  _ have _ friends at this point, not that it matters. And… I don’t know why you girls keep coming back, but… thanks.”

Tammi shrugged. “Better hanging out with you than what I was doing before.”

“Same here,” Alice said. “You appreciate my genius.”

“I’ll be honest with you boss, I’m trying to get in your pants,” Chrissie said.

I dropped my beer bottle in surprise, and the others laughed at my gobsmacked expression. “I’m, um, going to go rob some Merchants or whatever for more beer money. Be right back.”

Their laughter followed me even as I teleported away.

\---

Despite the other Butcher’s calls to go in and punch the drug-addled morons to death, I had grown somewhat attached to my borrowed Christmas sweater and I wanted to avoid getting it bloodied up. I could  _ probably _ keep it clean with careful use of both precog abilities and Knockout’s shields, but it wasn’t worth the trouble.

Instead, I just filled the house with bees.

Well, not just bees, given that the cold weather made it so I couldn’t be picky about what went into my swarm, but that was the sentiment. I had spiders untying shoes and weaving triplines while flies and gnats invaded noses and mouths. The money itself was just lying around, unsurprisingly, and not even five minutes later I was a thousand dollars richer.

I considered going and fetching the others to steal the TV and couch as well, but that was definitely more trouble than it was worth. Once they inevitably tired of me, the TV would just be sitting there as bait for someone to break into my lair.

Upon returning to said lair, I discovered that we had yet another visitor.

“Hi, I’m Alec,” the boy said lazily.

“I’m Taylor,” I replied. “Uh, what are you doing here?”

“Eating your pizza,” he replied. “Mama Roberto’s -- good choice.”

“I know, right?” Alice said, high-fiving the boy.

Alec shifted on the couch, revealing a package of his own. “Gift from my boss.”

“Who is your boss?” I asked, eyeing the package with suspicion.

“Dunno,” he said.

The four girls stared at the package for a long minute before Chrissie took it out of his hands. “Boss, you’re literally impossible to assassinate,” she said before ripping open the packaging. Inside was yet another bottle of liquor. The liquid inside was amber colored, and faintly glowing.

Alec sat up when he saw the label. “Is that Talisker Super Reserve?” he asked, voice tinged by awe.

“Looks like it,” I said.

_ “Holy shit girl, that stuff is illegal outside of Scotland,” _ Ironsides said, unusually excited.

_ “It’s Tinkertech alcohol,” _ Alkaline explained.  _ “Are you thinking what I’m thinking…” _

I focused Alkaline’s power on the bottle, and the liquid inside vanished with a muffled ‘pop.’

“Hey what the hell!” Alec said.

Chrissie, however, cackled like a maniac. “Maybe you’ll make a better boss than I thought!”

Tammi and Alice exchanged confused glances, but before they could ask I reached down and grabbed an empty beer bottle. Another flex of power, and it started to fill with glowing liquid. I took a tiny sip and immediately winced. “Yep, it worked.”

_ “Oh my god you’re the best!” _ Pyromaniac yelled in my head.

I handed the bottle to Alec, who took it reverently. “Liquid-copying hammerspace,” I said. “Alkaline had access to many ‘slots,’ but I just get the one.”

\---

The singing that night was much less coherent than the previous nights.

“I don't need to waste time walking!” Tammi sang.

“Shred and cut along your face!” Chrissie cheered.

“Explosions will make me happy!” Alice yelled.

“Be my toy on Christmas Day!” Alec finished.

I gave up trying to play tonight, partially due to inebriation but partially because Chrissie was sitting on my lap. As the other three sang the chorus, she twisted around and looked me straight in the eye. There was a mischievous grin on her lips, and in the confusion I only caught the last line of the song.

“All I want for Christmas is  _ you _ ,” she whispered.

Then she kissed me.


	5. Day 5

Several things surprised me when I woke up.

First, I was alive.

Second, so were all four of my guests. They did not seem particularly pleased by this turn of events.

Third, Chrissie was once again sleeping on top of me. At least this time we were laying down on the couch.

Fourth, Alec had his own couch, separate from the one holding Tammi and Alice.

“What the fuck,” I said to no one in particular.

“Shut up,” Alec moaned from his couch.

“Shut up,” Chrissie whispered from on top of me.

Well, I guess that was that.

\---

I woke a second time to gunfire.

Reflexes I didn’t know I had propelled me up out of the couch in a flash, which unfortunately sent Chrissie flying as well. That was her own damn fault, because she was definitely awake at that point.

I felt out the area with my bugs, frantically searching for the source of the noise and found… nothing. Alec, however, was laughing his ass off.

_ “Good reflexes, at least,” _ Stratego grumbled.

“What the fu…” I said, spinning to face him. He was playing video games on the TV. “We have a TV?”

“Yeah we went out last night and got it,” Tammi said without taking her eyes off of the screen. She was playing, too.

“Dare I ask where?” I sighed.

“Boss, you told us where to find it, then led us on a drunken expedition for a new couch and a TV,” Chrissie said from the floor. “Also, good morning to you, too.”

“Yeah,” I said weakly. “Good morning.”

“Also you’re a terrible kisser,” Chrissie said, like an afterthought.

The Butchers laughed as my face turned bright red. “That wasn’t a dream?”

“Nah, dork,” Alec said. “Was pretty cute though. Just needed some mistletoe.”

“Kill me now,” I mumbled, flopping back onto the couch.

_ “Then get us back to the Teeth and --” _ I shoved Butcher away, because he was the last thing I needed right now.

“Yeah, how about no?” Alice said from her own couch. “Do we look stupid to you?”

“Dunno, you’re giving shit to Butcher XV,” I muttered, covering my face with my hands.

“Aw, it’s fine Taylor,” Chrissie said, scooting over and rubbing my back. “Everyone’s bad at kissing at first.”

My face heated up further, which I didn’t think was possible. “That’s not… I mean, I don’t… fuck.”

“They’re bad at that too,” Alec said, drawing a round of laughs from everyone but me.

Chrissie switched to scratching my back, and I hated how much I liked the sensation. “You were enthusiastic, at least,” she allowed.

Partial memories from the night started flooding back in, including our surprisingly violent raid to acquire the new furniture and my increasingly poor attempts to make ‘music’ with the guitar.

Oh, and my first kiss.

Chrissie was right, I had reciprocated her advance rather enthusiastically.

It was in that moment that I knew: my life was fucked up. Emma’s betrayal, being locked in my locker on the first day of my sophomore year, my half-assed attempts at being a hero, discovering Quarrel’s bee allergy, running from my dad and the Protectorate, discovering a love of booze and music -- how else could my first kiss have gone except with an axe-crazy supervillain?

_ “Could have been worse,” _ Sanguine pointed out happily.  _ “Butcher’s first kiss was a dog.” _

I didn’t know if that was true, and I was certainly not trawling through his memories to find out, but based on the enraged, incoherent screaming and the jeering laughter, Sanguine had struck some sort of nerve.

“Taylor?” Chrissie asked, and the use of my name jerked me back to the real world.

“Huh what?” I asked dumbly.

“I asked if you hedonists have just been hanging around here and trying to drink yourselves to death,” Alec said.

I frowned at him, not that he could see it. “Hey, sometimes I go out and steal from the gangs.”

_ “Honestly it’s funny to watch you do that, creepy factor or no,”  _ Alkaline said.

_ “Too bad my power won’t let you turn into a bug,” _ Sabertooth groused.

“Paragon of heroism, right here,” Chrissie said, so I reached over and smacked her. “Ow! You’re a Brute, dumbass!”

“I know,” I shot back. “Anyway, if you have any better ideas than drinking and singing along to my terrible playing, I’m all ears.”

“We could draw lots and raid the gang of whoever loses,” Alec suggested.

“Didn’t you say you didn’t know who you were working for?” I asked. Alec just shrugged.

“Besides I think you owe the ABB one, anyways,” Tammi pointed out.

“That’s a shitty idea, and I know shitty ideas, because everyone else is always coming up with them,” Alice said.

“You wanna go?” Chrissie asked. To my moderate horror, both girls seemed to be considering doing just that.

“Wait!” Alec said suddenly, thankfully interrupting the brewing fight. “Idea.” We all turned to him and a smile curled around his lips. “Let’s go visit the PRT building.”

I couldn’t help it. I burst into laughter. The others followed a moment later.

“I’m serious,” Alec said, though his tone suggested otherwise. “You guys have been drinking and singing in this musty old warehouse. Why not take that show on the road?”

\---

“Heroes with trans-parency!”

“Fighting for the innocents!”

“Recognized by those who see!”

“The P-R-T does not make sense!”

“Glor,ororororor,ororororor,orororory Girl! New Wave is the fu-ture!”

“Glor,ororororor,ororororor,orororory Girl! New Wave is the fu-ture!”

I honestly didn’t know what was more hilarious: the stony look on Battery’s face while Assault did his best to keep from laughing, or the fact that a bunch of criminals were singing about how much better New Wave was than the PRT.

We were only a little bit drunk at this point, despite having added some of the Talisker Super Reserve to our drinks at dinner. Alice’s suggestion of more pizza had been soundly defeated in lieu of going to Fugly Bob’s before our impromptu concert, and I had discovered the joys of alcoholic milkshakes.

“Are you quite done?” Battery asked once we finished the song. Either she didn’t recognize me or she had an amazing poker face.

“Oh come on, they’re just spreading holiday cheer!” Assault said.

Whatever Battery would have said in reply was cut off when Glory Girl herself, having dropped her definitely not-Gallant boyfriend off on the PRT roof, decided to fly down and see what we were doing. “Hey! Christmas carolers!”

“What the fuck are you doing to my brain?” Chrissie whined.

“Oh, sorry,” Glory Girl said. “Are you singing more?”

“Maybe?” I said, looking at the others. Alec probably wanted to go home, but this was his idea so he could stick it out.

“Can I come?” Glory Girl asked. “I’m done with patrol for the day, but you guys seem cool!”

Well, there was no way we could turn  _ that _ offer down.


	6. Day 6

“Remind me why we’re going out to get lunch with  _ Victoria Dallon _ ?”

Chrissie snorted, walking next to me as we maneuvered through the Saturday afternoon Boardwalk crowds. “Because last night was funny as hell?” She gave my hand a gentle squeeze, which, predictably, made my cheeks heat up again.

Right, Vicky’s grand idea to carol in her neighborhood got us pelted with garbage and insults. We had been laughing, though, so I guess it was good time.

“Do you think she knows? Her boyfriend was there, uh, when I…”

“Nah, boss, according to New Wave the only good criminal is a dead criminal, and Glory Hole isn’t exactly known for her restraint.”

My mouth twisted at the description. “I’m not a criminal.”

Chrissie considered that for a second, then laughed. “That’s true enough. You’re a weirdo, Taylor, holding out this long. Most of your predecessors started at least one ill-advised fight or maiming spree by now.”

“He’s not that bad, is he?” I said cheekily.

“I… what? Oh, a Spree pun,” she complained, rubbing her face with the hand not holding mine. “I take it back, I don’t like you and we’re fine with you staying away.”

_ “She makes a salient point,” _ Damascian said.

_ “Yeah, I don’t like you either,” _ Fester grumbled.

“That still doesn’t answer the question of why we’re here,” I said again as we drew up in front of the little café.

“Because it’s funny,” Chrissie said, dragging my slightly protesting body into the building. “Now come on boss, I’m hungry.”

The café that we were meeting the heroine at for lunch was one of a dozen such small establishments on the Boardwalk. Small sandwiches, overpriced coffee, and designer clothes were staples of the experience; I had only rarely come out this far since… Emma.

“Taylor! Chrissie!” an exuberant voice called out.

Vicky, thankfully, waited until we had placed our orders and were comfortably seated before digging in to us. “So I had a whole bunch of other questions, but I have to ask this first: Taylor, why are you wearing that sweater again? It’s ugly beyond reason.”

_ “Truth, girl!” _ Pyro whined.

I shot Chrissie a glare to keep her mouth shut. “I, um, don’t have much in the way of alternative clothes right now.”

“Obviously, if you’re wearing  _ that _ ,” Vicky said.

“Technically she’s homeless,” Chrissie said before I could cover her mouth.

Vicky did a double-take. “Wait really? I’m sorry to hear that, but… why?”

“Family trouble,” I muttered. “Look, can we talk about something else?”

“Don’t worry, we’ve got her back,” Chrissie said, patting me on the arm fondly.

Based on her reaction, Vicky desperately wanted to keep asking questions, but she maintained a modicum of tact and told us about her own life instead. Apparently the Empire had been getting uppity around her neighborhood, prompting her and her cousins to be a bit more aggressive than usual. I listened with only half an ear, but Chrissie was understandably interested.

By time the food arrived and was consumed, the two unknowing adversaries were chatting amicably about gang stupidity and similar rumors. Chrissie was more clever than I might have given her credit for -- she was willing to shit-talk the Teeth just as much as the other gangs.

_ “Never would have done that in front of any of us,” _ Quarrel said.  _ “Glory Girl or no.” _

_ “Yeah but you weren’t as pathetically cute as Taylor,” _ Alkaline said.

I ignored the ensuing argument and irritated ranting from the various Butchers just in time to catch Vicky’s slightly more important question. “So,” she said, leaning in conspiratorially, “is your little group going caroling again?”

Chrissie and I traded looks. “Sure, why not?” she said with a smile. “Tonight?”

“Hell yeah,” Vicky said. “Last night was hilarious!”

“Maybe tonight we can go to the Boardwalk. What do you say to that, boss?”

Vicky mouthed the offending word, looking curiously between us, so before she could ask I stood up and yanked Chrissie up with me. “Yeah, sounds great, see you tonight,” I said hurriedly before bustling out of the building with a grinning Chrissie on my heels.

\---

“Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way!”

“Oh what fun, it is to fight, a dragon in the bay!”

I struck the last chord on the guitar and the impromptu audience around us burst into applause. With the exception of our newest member, we burst into laughter or otherwise cheered with the crowd.

Amy glowered.

“Oh come on Ames, this is great,” Vicky said, pulling her sister into a hug as we started walking further down the Boardwalk.

“Your lyrics leave much to be desired,” Amy said, and then more quietly, “I can’t believe I left the hospital early for this nonsense.”

“Fuck you they’re brilliant,” Alice retorted. Unlike the fine, upstanding young heroes, the rest of us were drinking. A little bit. At least, compared to what we would usually do.

“Correction,  _ mine _ are brilliant. The ones you wrote suck ass,” Tammi said.

“That one about the Butcher is funny,” Vicky said. “Even you have to admit that.”

Amy rolled her eyes. “Yeah, because making fun of the reincarnating mass murderer is the best way to spread holiday cheer.”

“What, you think Skitter’s nearby?” Chrissie said. “Going to fill us with bees because we’re spreading Christmas cheer?” It took willpower I didn’t know I had to not sting her for that comment.

“I don’t think our lyrics count as either ‘Christmas’ or ‘cheer,’” Alec drawled, to general amusement. Even Amy smiled for an instant before resuming her usual glower.

Tammi’s face lit up suddenly, and she pulled out the pad of paper we had been using to write down more lyrics. “Taylor, can you play Sleigh Ride?”

“Probably,” I said. “Or do you mean Slay Ride?”

Amy groaned, but I started strumming the chords and Tammi started singing.

“Just hear those slay bells jingling, ring ting tingling too!”

“Come on it's lovely weather to punch Nazis together with you!”

“Outside the thugs are splatting and being crushed into goo!”

“Come on it's lovely weather for a slay ride together with you!”

The less lawfully-inclined among us traded confused glances at Tammi’s choice of lyrics, but they had  _ nothing _ on the embarrassment gracing the Dallon sisters’ faces.

To our general amazement, Vicky still joined in on the second chorus.


	7. Day 7

I never really appreciated the monetary appeal of supervillainy until I was standing in the foyer of the Dallon’s surprisingly nice house. They weren’t wealthy to the point of gaudiness, but their house was nice enough that I felt a little bad standing there in my slightly dirty sweater and unwashed hair.

Vicky, apparently, agreed. “Come on Taylor, you need a shower and a wardrobe change like, yesterday.”

Chrissie gave me an affectionate pat on the arm as I was dragged away, and I could hardly miss the smiles (or in Amy’s case, a frown) on the others’ faces. I had the sinking feeling that I was going to deeply regret accepting Vicky’s invitation for a house party.

Last night had ended on a high note, literally in Vicky’s case. Chrissie accompanied me back to my lair where she gave me thorough instruction on kissing, to my embarrassment and delight, and when we woke up Vicky had invited us all here to hang out.

Honestly, I was just as confused as the rest of the group (and the Butchers), but none of us wanted to turn down free food, booze, and the opportunity to mess with the heroes.

I missed yet another argument about pizza exploding downstairs as Vicky practically threw me into the Dallon’s rather lavish shower with instructions on which shampoo and conditioner to use. And when I was finished, she provided a new set of clothes that mostly fit.

Mostly.

“Hey boss, I didn’t realize you had abs under that sweater,” Chrissie teased as I walked into the living room. Vicky’s biggest t-shirt and longest shorts were just slightly too small for me, both showing way more thigh than I would ever do normally and baring my midriff if I stretched too much.

“Uh, yeah, I work out sometimes,” I said as the blush overtook my face.

To my surprise, Chrissie wasn’t the only one staring in interest. Both Tammi and Amy were giving me sidelong glances… as was Alec?

I was definitely regretting filling several bottles with Talisker Super Reserve.

“Hello?” a new voice called, and I instantly froze.

Fuck. How  _ stupid _ could I have been?

_ “At least you didn’t try to piss on Accord for a dare, huh Marauder?” _ Chisel said.

Chrissie, sensing that something was up, leapt up and pulled me down onto the couch next to her just as the gallant Dean Stansfield walked into the sitting room.

Our eyes met, and for a brief instant I thought that we were going to have a very, very messy fight on our hands.

Then Vicky appeared and pulled him into a hug. “Dean, these are my caroling friends I told you about!”

“Oof,” Dean said. “You seem excited.”

“I am!” Vicky replied. “Mostly because mom and dad are out of town for the next few days, but also because I wanted to introduce you to everyone.”

Dean was unfailingly polite, even to the Butcher. “Hi, I’m Dean.”

“Taylor,” I said, looking away from the confusion lurking behind his polite facade.

“Nah, you’re a dork,” Alec said.

\---

“Of course I’m miserable!” Amy yelled, then immediately broke down into tears. “I try sh, sh, sho hard to be a  _ hero _ and no one ever caresh!”

Well, this party was certainly much more interesting than I was expecting.

_ “Holy shit she’s batshit insane,” _ Chisel said.

Dean scooched closer to Amy. “Amy, we all appreciate you… well maybe not your mom but she’s a bitch and is always really shuspicious of you for some reason but…” His gallant attempt to comfort the distraught healer was interrupted when she batted his arm away.

“No! Go away! The only pershon who cares about me is  _ Vicky _ and she’s only ever hanging out with you!” Amy yelled, then her voice broke. “I don’t want to be a villain.”

I traded glances with the other actual villains in the room.

“And I thought you were a mess, Taylor,” Tammi said immediately.

“Hey, what’s wrong with being a villain?” Chrissie asked, drawing glares from the three heroes. “What? Have you  _ seen _ the new Butcher? She’s cute!”

_ “Agreed,” _ Alkaline said.

_ “You have shit taste,” _ Fester sneered. I punched her down into the dark to the cheers of the others.

“What the fuck?” Vicky slurred. Inexplicably, she was more composed than either Amy or Dean.

“Nah she’s right,” Dean interjected. “Met her with, uh, Miss Militia. We thought it was a new trigger and like, woah, it’s the fucking Butcher. But yeah, MM was totally checking out the girl’s dad, feeling all bad and shit and then  _ boom _ full-on momma bear when the girl shows up. I thought she was going to start crying when Skitter ran away.”

I groaned loudly to myself, and luckily it was covered by the raucous laughs of everyone else there. Chrissie, once again sitting on my lap, was laughing hard enough to lean on me for support. Or because she was trying to feel me up, either/or.

“I didn’t realize our heroes were into DILF’s,” Alec said. “Got anything else to share?”

“Uh,” Dean said, squinting his eyes at Vicky before turning to look at Tammi. “I think my girlfriend is bisexual.”

“DEAN!” Vicky yelled. The look of unbridled hope on Amy’s face was the stuff of nightmares.

“Man usually you have to pay for this shit,” Alice declared.

I pushed Chrissie off my lap with a squeak and walked over to my pile of stuff in the corner. My guitar was really starting to age prematurely, but maybe some ‘music’ would distract whatever argument was brewing.

A few plucked chords, and I sang, “O come, all ye faithful” only to be interrupted immediately.

“Is that ‘come’ or ‘cum’?” Alec asked, mock-innocently.

It was going to be a long night.


	8. Day 8

At this point, waking up with Chrissie in my arms was normal.

Waking up on an actual, comfortable couch in an actual house was, depressingly, new and exciting.

“Do I smell breakfast?” Chrissie asked sleepily. She nuzzled against me, and I awkwardly tried to cuddle her back.

“Fuck yeah it is!” Alice yelled. “I make a fucking bomb-ass breakfast, but Taylor doesn’t have a kitchen in that hellhole she calls a lair.”

I had a moment of panic where I thought her misstep might be heard by the actual denizens of the house, but according to my bugs: Amy was locked in her room and sobbing into a pillow, Vicky was pleading with Amy to come out, and Dean was being noisily sick in a toilet.

Score one for the villains, because we were all either still mostly asleep or cooking.

Alice did, in fact, make a bomb-ass breakfast. Even the Dallons only offered token complaints at having their kitchen be unceremoniously turned inside-out in Alice’s search for ingredients, and I thought I saw a faint smile on Amy’s lips when Chrissie offered her a cup of coffee.

“I’m never drinking again,” Vicky groaned.

“Bullshit,” Dean and Amy said simultaneously.

“Hey, at least we had a good time,” I tried. “Uh, nobody died?”

Amy snorted. “Is that a common hazard where you come from?”

_ “Yes.” “Definitely.” “Of course.” “Duh.” “Do we look like amateurs?” _

“Uh, no, I guess not,” I replied lamely.

“Dunno,” Tammi said. “That first night was pretty harsh. And we only had normal stuff.”

“Yeah actually that’s a good question,” Vicky said. “Where did you get that Tinkertech alcohol to begin with?”

“My boss,” Alec murmured, still mostly asleep.

“And who, exactly, is that?” Amy asked.

“Dunno,” Alec said. His utter disinterest in the topic could not possibly have confused the Dallon sisters more.

“Anyway,” I said, clapping my hands and making Vicky flinch in pain. “What’s our plan for tonight?”

“I can think of a few things,” Chrissie said with a suggestive wink. My cheeks turned red, as did Amy’s, surprisingly. The others laughed at the byplay.

I couldn’t help but sigh and run a hand through my hair. “I need a drink.”

\---

The drink didn’t help. Neither did the second, nor the third.

“… I don’t even know why,” I sobbed. “We were like sisters, and then she just…”

Eleven drinks were similarly useless, as they had taken me past the ‘comfortable haze of thoughtlessly drunk’ and straight into ‘cry messily about the horrible things in my life.’

Carlos, our newest partygoer whose identity was rather poorly shielded, was amusingly stuck between wanting to provide emotional support and an obvious displeasure with my attempts to drown my sorrows.

My traitorous villain friends had already heard my literal sob story and had absconded to play beer pong in the back room; based on the bits I could hear from my bugs, three of them were cheating like crazy with their powers. Alice wasn’t pleased.

“That’s horrible,” Vicky slurred, sitting next to me and doing Chrissie’s duty of patting me on the back. “I know that Emma bitch. Next time I see her, I’m going to break all of her bones.”

_ “We need to recruit this chick,” _ Marauder said approvingly.

“Uh, Vicky,” Dean said, sounding honestly worried. “Isn’t that going a bit far?”

“I don’t think she knowsh what that meansh,” Amy slurred.

\---

“And a partridge in a pear tree!” we all sang, finishing the fifteenth stanza. Hopefully that was the last song we needed, my throat was kind of scratchy.

“I think they’re done,” Tammi said.

“She’s not usually this loud,” Amy muttered.

“I didn’t think the goody-two shoes had it in him,” Alice said.

Alec snorted. “He didn’t, that was Vicky.” The villains laughed loudly at that, but Amy glowered around her blush and Carlos…

I stood up to put the guitar down so that Chrissie could start cuddling again, and I discovered that the music had not just been covering for Vicky and Dean. Alec, Carlos, and Alice had been playing video games, but the two boys were now cuddled on top of each other on the far end of the couch.

“Take that you fuckin’ worm!” Alice yelled into the ensuing awkward silence, mashing the controls on her now solo game. “If you sucked more, you’d be a black hole!”

“Well, I guess that’s a thing,” I murmured, awkwardly turning my face away. Instead I caught Chrissie’s gaze, and it was full of suggestions that I wasn’t sure I was ready for. She gave me a slow, sensual smile followed by a raised eyebrow.

I turned away again, only to find Vicky in a bathrobe coming down the steps from her room. She had an utterly victorious smirk plastered on her face.

_ “I think the universe is trying to tell you something,” _ Alkaline said. The others started offering their best pick-up lines.

_ “My standby is ‘Nice shoes, wanna fuck?’” _ Pyro said.

“Someone had a good time,” Tammi said. Amy shot the other girl a scowl, which Tammi pointedly ignored.

If Vicky was embarrassed, she didn’t show it. Instead, she walked steadily over to where Tammi was sitting on the couch and leaned down to whisper in her ear. Tammi’s face went from mortified to surprised to excited in quick succession, and I wasn’t the only one with a flapping jaw when she jumped up from the couch and followed Vicky upstairs.

“Is she…” Amy said weakly, tearing up slightly. “Are… they?”

“Looks like it,” Chrissie said, motioning me to sit back down next to her. “Huh, I didn’t think she went for girls.”

I was sitting for all of six seconds before Amy jumped up and grabbed me and Chrissie each in one hand. She hesitated for a split second before yanking both of us up and leading us to her own bedroom with red-eyed determination.

“Don’t be so nervous, boss,” Chrissie murmured from behind me. “Have some… faith.”

I was confused until she started humming “Oh Come All Ye Faithful.”


	9. Day 9

Given the way that my love life had been escalating, I should have expected to wake up naked in a strange girl’s bedroom.

My shifting around had apparently awoken the other denizens of the bed. “Oh fuck me,” one of the other girls murmured.

“Sure did,” the other said. “Unless you want to go again?” That was definitely Chrissie.

Amy scrambled awkwardly out of the covers, only to get tangled up and fall out of the bed with a _thump._ I squeaked in surprise at the sudden rush of cold air and grabbed the nearest thing I could to cover myself.

Unfortunately, the nearest thing was Chrissie. “You want to go again too, boss?” She laughed as Amy and I frantically sought to restore some decency -- me back under the blanket and Amy in a bathrobe. I desperately wished that the heat in my face could keep the rest of me warm.

Chrissie was still chuckling when Amy turned around. The healer’s face was doing her own damned good impression of a tomato, and she had to stop biting her lip to say, “Well… that happened.”

“Hell yeah it did,” Chrissie agreed.

I thought I had experienced awkward silences before, but having my first time be with _Vex and_ _Panacea_ was more than I could handle. “Uh, I had fun?”

 _“Understatement!”_ Pyro cackled, to general amusement of the Butchers.

“I certainly hope you had fun,” Amy growled. “Though I have a few questions for you two.”

“Sorry, we’re taken,” Chrissie said. “And yeah, you could probably get your whole hand up there with practice.”

Amy turned bright red again and started sputtering. “No! That’s -- what? Ew, not what I wanted to know!” She clenched her hands at her side and glared at us. “You two are parahumans.”

Aw, fucknuts. The Butchers just laughed at me.

“Yep,” Chrissie replied, popping the ‘p’. Goddamnit. I facepalmed at her blunt admission.

“Who are you?” Amy bit out. Fuck fuck fuck.

My response was eloquent and not at all suspicious. “Uh…”

Amy gave us a long-suffering look. “You’re villains, aren’t you?”

“I’m, uh, more of a vigilante,” I said uneasily. I clapped my hand over Chrissie’s mouth before she could say anything more incriminating.

She licked my hand.

“Ok that’s… fine, I guess,” the healer said. Very convincing, Amy.

“Come on boss, tell her already,” Chrissie said after prying my hand off of her face. “We spent the whole night fucking each other’s brains out, what’s the worst that could happen?” When my response was incoherent sputtering, Chrissie snorted. “You’re no fun. Hi Panacea, I’m Vex.”

Amy’s eyes widened such that I could see the whites all the way around. “Which makes you…”

Chrissie gave her a shit-eating grin. “Congratulations, you just had a threesome with Butcher XV!”

Amy fainted.

\---

After returning Amy to her bed and pulling our clothes back on, Chrissie and I made our way back downstairs and discovered Alice making breakfast once again. She seemed out of sorts and was grumbling to herself, but from what I could tell it was about ‘how few boys there were that appreciated her genius.’ I guessed she was upset about being left out last night.

On the flip side, both Tammi and Alec were as chipper as Chrissie instead of being filled with existential dread like me. I ignored them as I ate my breakfast, tuning out their crude story-swapping to listen in on a conversation happening in the back room. I could just make it out with my bugs and improved senses.

 _“Uh guys, we have a problem,”_ Carlos was saying.

 _“What, did you also sleep with a supervillain?”_ Amy asked acidly.

 _“Wait, you too?”_ Vicky asked incredulously.

 _“Don’t look at me like that, Vicky,”_ Amy shot back. _“You’re the one who brought Skitter and company over to party!”_

 _“Wait, Dean, you knew?”_ Vicky said.

 _“About Taylor? Um, yeah,”_ Dean said. _“For what it’s worth, I think she just needs friends.”_

 _“Friends!?”_ Amy yelled, loud enough for those of us in the kitchen to hear. _“I just lost my virginity to the fucking Butcher and you’re talking about her_ friends _!?”_

A quarter hour and some more yelling later, the four heroes shuffled into the kitchen. We all stared awkwardly at one another for a solid five minutes, and I knew I wasn’t alone in not knowing how to handle the morning after. Alice ended up breaking the silence from the stove where she was still cooking. “How do you want your eggs?”

“Unfertilized,” Tammi said immediately, flashing Dean a wide grin.

All of the absurdity that my life had become in the past few days was crystallized in that single comment, and I burst into wild, unhinged laughter. I laughed so hard my sides hurt and my eyes teared up, so it was only through my bugs that I realized everyone else was laughing with me.

I almost didn’t catch Alec reach out and slap Carlos on the ass.

\---

In retrospect, I shouldn’t have insisted that we all visit the city’s Christmas light installation in the park together.

“So these are your caroling friends?” Miss Militia asked Vicky, studiously ignoring the stench of alcohol surrounding our group. Based on the disappointed crinkle around her eyes, dealing with us was more pressing than guard duty.

“Yep!” Vicky said with well-faked cheer and remarkably little slurring. “They’re so much fun,” cue awkward twitches “and we like spreading Christmas cheer!”

Tammi muttered something about spreading that got her a swift jab in the ribs from Carlos.

“I see,” the heroine said, eyeing the group. If she recognized me behind my hastily-appropriated scarf, she was hiding it well. “Are you planning on going out again in the next week?”

“I think some of us will be otherwise occupied,” Dean said diplomatically.

“You can occupy me all week,” Chrissie declared, pulling me into a grandiose hug. Amy blushed almost as much as I did, but the rest snickered unabashedly.

“Well,” Miss Militia coughed, “the Wards are doing some volunteer work tomorrow afternoon. If you would like to help in a different way from singing carols, you can meet the Wards and give them a hand. Either way, I’m glad to see kids who are celebrating the holidays so enthusiastically.”

When the rest of us blushed and chuckled at that statement, I swore I could see the hero reconsidering her offer.


	10. Day 10

“Er, excuse me, but the line forms over there.”

I looked at Vista, then looked down at my admittedly rumpled and dirty Christmas sweater.

_ “She thinks we’re homeless,” _ Damascian realized.

_ “We ARE homeless!” _ Ironsides yelled.

Next to me, Chrissie was laughing, but I managed to keep a straight face. “We’re not here for food, we’re here to volunteer. Ask, uh, Gallant.”

Vista looked at us skeptically, but called over her shoulder, “Gallant, there’s two girls here saying they want to help, but they reek of alcohol and look dangerous.”

Chrissie and I traded looks. “Dunno boss, I could see you, like, carving a guy’s eyes out if he pissed you off.”

“You’re not helping,” I said through gritted teeth.

“Then why did you drag me off the couch to come over here?” I swatted at Chrissie, to her amusement.

The click of power armor on asphalt was followed by Gallant poking his head out of the temporary tent. “Oh, Miss Militia said you were coming. Vista, this is Taylor and Chrissie.”

We waved to the frowning, suspicious pre-teen, and she gave us a begrudging wave of her own. “Thanks for coming to help, I guess.”

“Sure,” I said. “What do you need us to do?”

\---

We helped assemble food packages for the better part of an hour before there was a small break, leaving me and Chrissie behind the tent with Gallant and Aegis.

“Heya, stud muffins,” Chrissie said as they joined us.

What I could see of the two boys’ faces turned beet red, and Aegis muttered, “Why are you even here? Taylor I get, but you?”

Chrissie lowered her voice and leaned in. “When you work for the Butcher, you learn to do what they say and not ask questions.”

“Then why did you get fucking pineapple on our pizza earlier today?” I grumbled.

“Well, most of the time,” Chrissie hedged. “But Taytay here is being all heroic, so that means handing out food to the homeless and saving kids trapped in wells.”

I winced at the mental image. “Um, wouldn’t your force fields just chop them into sausage?”

The Butchers laughed, and Alkaline said,  _ “Never change, Taylor.” _

Chrissie blinked a few times. “Ah, yeah, probably. Get someone else to save kids from wells.”

The two heroes looked faintly green. “Can we talk about something else?” Gallant said hoarsely.

“Sure,” Chrissie said. “Hmm. Oh, your girlfriend’s sister really likes--”

“Not that either,” Gallant said in a strangled voice.

“I was going to say pineapple on pizza,” she finished with a wicked grin.

A sudden disturbance among my swarm in a nearby alley caused me to whip my head around. “Merchants,” I hissed.

“I’ll call it in,” Aegis said quickly.

Chrissie practically leapt into my arms. “Fuck that. Take us away, boss!” We vanished in a flash.

\---

I had run into Armsmaster a few times before the whole Butcher thing, and other than his repeated Wards pitch he had been perfectly cordial. Now I got to see what he was like when upset.

“A nosebleed,” he said, voice flat.

“Yep,” Chrissie replied, gesturing at our blood-covered clothes. “I sneezed. Allergies, you know?”

“What are you allergic to?” I murmured.

“Bullshit!” she replied with a wide grin. Standing in a small cluster apart from us, several of the Wards had to choke back laughter. It was an improvement over their wild-eyed staring when we initially returned.

Armsmaster frowned at us. “You’ll excuse me if I find this situation extremely suspicious. Two apparently unarmed girls walk out of an alley, covered in blood and uninjured. In said alley are nearly twenty unconscious and severely injured members of the Merchants.”

Chrissie scoffed. “They tripped.”

“On their own knives?” the hero asked with extreme skepticism. “Because it looks like --”

“We’ve finished securing the prisoners,” a new voice interrupted, one that nearly triggered my danger sense. I turned slowly to find Miss Militia, plans whirling in my head about how to best escape with Chrissie if a fight started.

_ “Definitely set your dad up with her,” _ Marauder said suddenly, completely derailing my train of thought.

To my surprise, Miss Militia just walked past me without a second glance. She whispered something into Armsmaster’s ear, and he nodded before taking a much more relaxed pose. “I see,” he said. “Before I let you go, I need to ask -- why were you in the alley to begin with?”

“Smoke break,” Chrissie supplied instantly.

“My sensors don’t register any cigarette residue on your clothes.”

This time, I had the retort. “Who said you have to smoke on a smoke break?” Chrissie wiggled her eyebrows suggestively, and the two heroes shared an embarrassed look. My own face turned beet red, which did not dissuade Chrissie in the least.

As we walked away from the scene (and a strangely calm Armsmaster), Chisel hummed in my brain and I murmured it out loud. “Silver bells, silver bells, it’s punching time in the city.”

On our way home, I used my bugs to find an empty alley and pulled Chrissie in. “Ooh, someone’s feisty,” she teased.

I rolled my eyes and used the hemokinesis power to draw the blood off of our clothes. “I rather not walk home looking like I’m a character in one of Alec’s fighting games.”

“Er, boss, I got bad news for you. There’s at least one game that features all of your predecessors.” She winked at me. “Don’t worry, I’m sure they’ll make you look as cute as you are in real life!”

By time we stumbled back to my lair, I managed to get hammered -- one palmful of whisky at a time.


	11. Day 11

“I don’t get it. You’re supposed to be a villain.”

I stopped plucking at my guitar and turned to the drunk healer sprawled out next to me on the couch.

 _“I wonder what PHO would do if they saw the famous Panacea drunk on a Wednesday afternoon,”_ Chisel mused.

 _“I think the technical term is ‘sloshed’,”_ Alkaline said.

 _“Nah, use ‘befuggered,’ it’s British and sounds dirty,”_ Sanguine replied.

 _“Taylor already befuggered her!”_ Pyro laughed. _“And she totally --”_

I pushed Pyro’s cackling out of my mind and focused back on Amy. “Huh?”

Amy was staring at her half-empty bottle instead of meeting my eyes. “Like, why are you being so nice to us? Shouldn’t you be filling people with bees or whatever?”

I glanced at Dean and Vicky for support, but they were busy playing one of Alec’s racing games. “Uh, do you want to be filled with bees?”

“Yeah, that’s exactly why I’m here, ” Amy said sarcastically. “Are you an idiot?”

“That’s not nice,” I chided, reaching for my beer. “You’re the ones who asked to come visit.”

“That’s because I prefer to listen to villains yelling Christmas carols than Carol yelling about villains over Christmas,” Amy retorted.

In that split second between taking a drink and laughing, I managed to activate Quarrel’s power. So, instead of me spitting beer all over my guitar and Amy, it sailed over her head and onto the floor beyond.

Of course, that made Amy laugh in response, and I got coated in regurgitated beer anyways.

\---

When Tammi, Alec, Chrissie, and Alice reappeared later that night, they were finally able to pay the couch tax. Unfortunately…

“Is that my couch?” Alec yelled, emotion in his voice for the first time since I had met him. “What the hell?”

“Uh, yeah?” Tammi said, floating a blood stained white couch in through the door. “Weren’t you listening when we made plans to each hit a different gang?”

“I thought you were joking,” Alec said. “I brought back pizza. I even paid for it.”

“At least you have enough brain cells to get Mama Roberto’s,” Alice said, then pointed at Chrissie. “Also, you’re dead if Lung catches you with that.”

“But it’s _so_ comfortable,” Chrissie whined, leaning back in the lay-z-boy chair and popping the footrest out. “Taylor, get your skinny ass over here, you have to try this.”

I awkwardly made my way over to Chrissie, only to get pulled bodily on top of her. She shifted around underneath me so that I was sitting on the chair instead of her, and I had to agree. “Damn, this is comfortable.”

“I know, right?” Alice said. “Never seen him as mad as the time some dipshit lieutenant spilled his drink on Lung’s chair.”

“Amy, I see you looking at us,” Chrissie said. “Get your not nearly as skinny ass over here too!”

We ended up breaking the chair by trying to squeeze all eight of us onto it.

\---

We needed a replacement for Lung’s broken chair, so naturally we found the nearest Nazis and absconded with their couch.

This had, unfortunately, attracted the local law enforcement.

“Ok, what the fuck,” Vista said, standing at our door. She had tried to be stealthy, but I had bugs. “I knew you were villains.”

“I’m a vigilante,” I responded instantly, then I turned to the others. “Dean, fix this. We are absolutely not letting Vista here get involved.”

“Involved with what?” she said, attempting to sound intimidating. “Because from what I saw, you were breaking and entering.”

“And larceny,” Alice added.

“And destruction of property,” Alec said.

“Don’t forget assault and battery,” Tammi said.

“Nah, they weren’t there,” Alec quipped to general groans.

“Anyway, it’s fine, they’re just Nazis,” Chrissie continued. “Amy here even gave one black skin!”

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Amy blush furiously, something not helped by Vicky’s enthusiastic pats on her back.

Dean walked over and gave Vista a properly chagrined half-smile. “Uh, yeah, everything is under control. Totally fine.”

He might have been convincing if not for the rest of us bursting into laughter.

It took Dean and I several long minutes to convince Vista that no, we weren’t villains, and yes, everything was fine. Her face was getting more and more red as the conversation went on, and she eventually just agreed with us and ran away.

I found out why as soon as I turned around.

Tammi had apparently climbed onto Amy’s lap, and they were kissing with gusto. If they were aiming to be distracting, they were succeeding wildly. Vicky, on the other hand, was single-handedly lifting a couch and taking it into one of the unused offices while Alice held the door open for her.

 _“Befuggered is an apt description,”_ Damascian observed.


	12. Day 12

“And I look at him and ask, ‘Was putting a lightbulb up your butt really a bright idea?’”

Our table burst into laughter, drawing a few irritated glances from nearby patrons. Marleigh’s Diner put the ‘greasy’ in greasy spoon, making it a local favorite for breakfast. Six slightly inebriated teenagers slumped over their coffees was nothing out of the ordinary.

“Anyway,” Amy continued, “he was some Medhall bigwig and thus I was banned from healing there anymore. That’s why I stick to Brockton General.”

“Do you remember his name?” Tammi asked.

“John? James? Something like that, last name was some German word,” Amy replied.

Tammi recognized the name, but waved off our attempts to get her to explain.

“So, uh, did your sister get home alright?” I asked, changing the subject.

“Oh, yeah,” Amy said. “She left before everything really got going and crashed at Dean’s. Not literally. Vicky avoids flying while drunk after the incident with the ‘cuddly’ geese. She was in the shower for _hours_.”

“Flying while drunk,” Tammi mused, shaking her head. “I’m surprised we haven’t burnt down a building or something yet.”

“The day is young,” Alec said.

Alice scoffed. “And fire is boring! At least do something interesting like turn it inside out or into sand or --”

 _“Shut the fuck up, fire is great!”_ Pyromaniac yelled.

“Can we not?” I asked in a strained voice.

“Come on boss, you’re on a roll! Don’t stop being fun now,” Chrissie complained.

As the others laughed at me and I glowered into my coffee, my bugs alerted me to a new presence approaching our table. Before I could say anything, we were interrupted by a new voice. “Oh you have to be kidding me.”

Standing off to the side and staring at us with a mix of horror and smugness was a blonde girl with freckles and gin-bottle green eyes. Alec waved at her. “Hey Lisa, glad you could eat out with us this morning.”

Lisa shook her head in irritation as she pulled up another chair. “So, this is the Bay’s band of merry miscreants.”

“We’re fuckin’ famous!” Alice declared.

“More like infamous,” Lisa corrected. “Few people have the guts to go around singing about the…” She trailed off as she looked at me. “Oh, shit.”

I groaned in annoyance, but Chrissie threw her hand around my shoulders. “New boss is a cutie, huh? And she’s good in --” I went to clap my hand over her mouth, but instead I impaled my hand on a shimmering force field two inches from her face. “Suck it, Taylor! You’ve got magic fingers and you can’t stop me from telling everyone!”

Lisa stared in amazement at us, then turned to take in the blushing faces at the rest of the table. Well, including Alec’s smirk. “Really, you too, Panacea?”

“Shut up,” Amy hissed. “I haven’t been recognized yet, and unless you want your coffee to taste like piss for the rest of your life, you’ll keep it that way.”

I could tell who the morning people were based on the horrified reactions. “If you do that to me, I’ll cut you,” Chrissie said, holding up _my_ bloodied hand for emphasis.

“Of course you can do that,” Lisa said in a slightly manic voice. “And that’s not even the scariest thing happening at this table.”

Alice leaned forward and brandished her butter knife. “Keep your fuckin’ smartass observations to yourself if you like the number of dimensions you’re currently living in.”

Tammi just smiled, but the table floated an inch off the ground suddenly before falling back down with a rattle of cutlery.

“Was I not clear about my thoughts on coffee?” Amy growled, steadying her mug.

Chrissie just leaned over and planted a sloppy kiss on my cheek. “I don’t even need threats.”

I slumped in my seat. “Hi, I’m Taylor. Welcome to the madhouse.”

We made it through breakfast without anyone killing anyone, although it was a bit of a close thing after Lisa made some comment about Vicky and Chrissie had to physically restrain Amy. 

\---

“So, this is the Butcher’s lair?” Lisa asked, casting an appraising eye over my collection of couches, pizza boxes, and beer bottles. Other than Chrissie, she was the only one who came back with me. “I can’t decide if I expected more or less.”

 _“You do have a nice collection of couches,”_ Sanguine allowed.

 _“Shame we broke the chair,”_ Alkaline said, to general approval from the others.

“Hey, I only ran away from home a few weeks ago,” I said, sitting down on top of Chrissie and wiggling my butt into her lap. She squeaked in indignation, but relationships were supposed to be equitable, right?

“Sure, right,” Lisa said. “You’re not doing yourself any favors. You want to be a hero, right? Yeah, thought so. Not sure how you wrangled the voices, but I doubt that your living situation instills the actual heroes with much confidence in your mental stability.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” I asked, fishing out an empty bottle and filling it with Super Reserve. The stuff was definitely not meant to be imbibed straight, but Chrissie would escape if I stood up.

“Boss, you spend your time drinking alone in an abandoned warehouse, talking to the voices in your head and playing Christmas carols. Does that sound anything like ‘sane’ to you?”

I opened my mouth to reply, but Lisa got there first. “Never mind the public excursions alongside suspected supervillains where you drink, sing, and are generally nuisances.”

“But I like being drunk in public,” Chrissie whined from beneath me. She swiped at my bottle, and against my better judgement I let her take it.

I crossed my arms and glared at Lisa. “I think we’re being clever. And what about holiday cheer?”

“Finally, you’re dating a supervillain,” she said, ignoring my question. “I’m as happy as anyone that the Butcher with biblical plague powers is friendly, but you need to work on your image.”

\---

“This is not what I meant!” Lisa hissed.

I shrugged and sipped at my drink. Next to me, Chrissie was failing to contain her giggles. In my head, the Butchers were laughing their asses off.

Around us, people were running and screaming or stopping and filming as a gigantic cloud of bugs -- interspersed with red and green fireflies -- ravaged a warehouse full of Merchants. The sheer scale of the cloud was terrifying enough, but what I was particularly proud of was the barely recognizable sound being reproduced by buzzes and clicks.

_“Deck the halls with boughs of holly! Fa la la la la, la la la laa!”_

Chrissie’s giggles turned to outright laughter when a Merchant tried to flee, only to have their shoes come untied. “Taylor, you’re my favorite, do you know that?”


	13. Day 13

Like every little girl ever, I had wanted to be Alexandria when I was little. Flight was the best, of course, but the super strength was so useful in so many ways.

“Your hair is really pretty, why don’t you wash it more often?” Chrissie asked, running her hand through my recently-cleaned locks. Lisa had nice shampoo.

 _“Even I’m jealous of your hair,”_ Fester said. _“It’s your only redeemable feature.”_ I punched her in the metaphorical face, sending her careening down into the dark.

“Because I’m _homeless_ , you twat,” I snapped back.

“I wouldn’t push that particular button,” Lisa said without looking back at us.

“Like you’re one to talk,” Vicky shot back. “Amy is still pissed at you.”

Chrissie shifted uncomfortably, forcing me to adjust my grip so she didn’t fall off my back. When Lisa declared ‘we are going shopping’, Chrissie had countered with ‘too hungover to move.’ And despite a fancy latte and several hours, every time I set her down, she just sat on the ground and looked at me with puppy eyes.

“Sorry boss,” she said after a bit. “Anyway, look at this PHO post -- some PRT agent is complaining that there was no money left over in the Merchant hideouts.”

“I wonder why,” Vicky muttered.

Stratego snorted. _“I’m not wondering at all, that was masterfully done.”_

“Hey, I took out all five of their capes,” I whispered indignantly. “We already pay the PRT taxes and they don’t do anything. And if I hadn’t, I certainly wouldn’t be able to go shopping with you two.”

Ahead of me, Vicky and Lisa exchanged a glance. “She’s got a point,” Lisa said.

“I can’t let her wardrobe contain only dirty hoodies and ugly Christmas sweaters,” Vicky agreed. “It’s nice the Merchants are paying for it.”

“Oh shit,” Chrissie swore, making all four of us jump in surprise. I didn’t sense anything with my bugs, but there was no such thing as too much caution.

Lisa turned and studied Chrissie’s face. “You asshole, don’t scare us like that. It’s just something on PHO. About last night? Something the Butcher did.”

“She’s moving in on our caroling operation! Her bees were singing while swarming the Merchants last night!” Chrissie said, waving her arms. “That bitch!”

I would have facepalmed, had either of my hands been free of Chrissie or my bags of new clothes. Lisa rolled her eyes, but a worrying expression settled on Vicky’s face. “That can’t stand!” she declared heroically. “Whatever shall we do to combat her evil schemes?”

While I mouthed ‘evil schemes,’ the other three started getting _ideas._ “Christmas eve tour?” Chrissie suggested.

“Matching costumes?” Vicky added.

“Fix up Taylor’s guitar,” Chrissie said.

 _“Good idea,”_ Chisel agreed.

“Lots of bees,” I grumbled. I was ignored.

“You have friends in, ah, several community organizations, right?” Lisa asked, a truly frightening quantity of smug radiating from her being.

“Yeah, what of it?” Chrissie said.

“I have an idea…”

\---

_“Truly, this is a Christmas miracle,”_ Damascian said, referencing the disparate crew that had collected in my lair.

Everyone I had been hanging out with over the past few days was present. Tammi, Alice, Alec, Lisa, the Dallon sisters, Dean, and Carlos were arranged in the most socially awkward way possible; based on Lisa’s insufferable smile, she was to blame. We even had a disgruntled Missy, escaping from her apparently awful parents. It wasn’t a stretch to guess her identity.

Chrissie, defying all expectation, was sitting on Amy’s lap. Then again, I was pacing around and had refused to keep carrying her.

“So how did you all get permission to come to this hive of scum and villainy?” Alec asked lazily.

“Hanging out at Dean’s,” Vicky, Missy, and Carlos said simultaneously.

“Hanging out at Vicky's,” Dean said.

“Carol’s just glad I’m out of the house,” Amy muttered. Chrissie squeezed her in support, and Amy’s squeak was completely at odds with her glowering demeanour.

“Anyway,” Tammi said. “Apparently the Butcher threw down the gauntlet on Christmas caroling last night. Tomorrow night, we are going to kick her ass.”

“I would really prefer it if you didn’t,” I complained.

“And how do we plan on doing this?” Carlos asked.

“First step: matching outfits,” Vicky declared.

“Second step: visiting all of our friendly gang leaders,” Chrissie said.

“You know where they live?” Missy asked, voice heavy with skepticism. When the less lawfully-inclined among us flashed knowing smiles, Missy rolled her eyes. “You said they weren’t villains!” she yelled at me.

“Uh, oops?”

“So little miss insightful, are you still in?” Alice asked.

Missy snorted. “Fuck yeah, no way in hell I’m going home. Actually… do you guys take commissions?”

\---

_Ding ding ding ding ding!_

“Hello, welcome to Parian’s, uh…”

By some unspoken agreement among the others, I had been pushed to the head of our merry group, meaning that I was in the perfect position to see the rogue’s heartbeat spike with my blood sight. I could hardly blame her, given that eleven disheveled teenagers just wandered into her shop.

“Don’t worry,” Lisa said. “We’re not here to make trouble or make you an offer you can’t refuse. Well, unless you don’t like money, I guess.”

I facepalmed and eyed Parian through my fingers. “Sorry, we’re here because we were hoping to get a matching set of costumes made by tomorrow afternoon.”

“You’re… capes?” Parian squeaked.

“Nope!” Vicky declared. “Not that kind of costume. We’re a, uh, music group.”

“I’m not sure it qualifies as ‘music,’” Amy grumbled.

“Oh, I saw the videos on PHO,” Parian said weakly. “Tomorrow afternoon? If it’s not too complicated, I could probably make it work. Yeah.” She straightened up and her voice steadied, apparently deciding that we were no longer a threat. “Right. Do you have any ideas?”

“Hell yeah,” Vicky said, floating up and over the group. “Let’s talk!”

Lisa gave an exasperated sigh. “I’m going to make sure she doesn’t do anything too outrageous.”

“Ok whatever, as long as it’s comfortable,” Alec said, eyes not leaving his phone.

I lost track of everyone else when Chrissie grabbed me by the hand and declared “Come on Taylor, let’s go find the really raunchy unmentionables!”

“I don’t think you’re doing it right,” I pointed out awkwardly. “Also, I’m, um, not pretty enough for that sort of stuff.”

Conversation in the shop ground to a halt, and eleven sets of eyes focused on me. “Yeah no that’s maximally false,” Alice said dismissively.

Amy flicked her eyes to Chrissie. “I think it might be time to cut a bitch or three.”

“Agreed,” Tammi said.

“Usually I would be the voice of reason here, but this time I kind of agree,” I said under my breath.

\---

I managed to avoid buying any of Chrissie’s suggestions with the excuse that I was living in a warehouse. Then one question led to another, and now a masked Parian was drunkenly telling us about what Vicky had decided on.

“So, you’re like the lead singer?” she asked, setting a hand on my leg.

“More like the rhythm guitarist,” I admitted.

What I could see of Parian’s face twisted in confusion. “Then why do you get the bikini outfit?”


	14. Day 14

“That’s not how my danger sense power works,” I complained at the screen. They had based the main character on Reflex, which was actually pretty awkward.

“Shush you,” Chrissie said, lying across both my and Tammi’s laps.

Mom had never let us watch Die Hard on Christmas Eve, claiming that it ‘glorified cape violence’ and ‘made the government look good.’ The second was confusing to me, because the PRT had inexplicably let a Gesellschaft terror cell take over a skyscraper.

“That was a shitty-ass bomb,” Alice complained.

“We get it,” Amy grumbled. “You guys could do better. Now shut up.”

“Hey, we could,” Alec said. “Instead of caroling, we could take those costumes and do an actual Christmas terror attack.”

“I may hate Piggot’s guts, but even she doesn’t deserve that,” Missy retorted.

Thanks to my concrete reshaping power (and my many couches, which was kind of a power in and of itself), I had a movie theatre in my lair. It was just enough space if everyone didn’t mind getting cozy. Add in some pizza, drinks, and Vicky’s amazing snickerdoodles and we had an actual Christmas party.

_ “I think I fought the Nazi that character was based off of,” _ Knockout mused.  _ “Except he didn’t have that Tinkertech bullshit from the movie, so when I punched him his head just came right off.” _

_ “Truly the reason for the season,” _ Damascian muttered.

\---

I managed to avoid the bikini costume by way of ‘I’m the motherfucking Butcher and I will cut you.’ The others were disappointed, but a combination of threats and blushing got them to mostly shut their damn mouths. The cold and wind did not worry me in the least; I was much more concerned with the inevitable photos that would end up on PHO since Glory Girl was with us.

It said a lot about my life now that I was blasé about my secret identity being completely trashed but cared a lot about being seen in revealing clothing. Being drunk in public inexplicably didn’t worry me either, and if I was in a better headspace I might be concerned about these sorts of things.

_ “It’s as you said,” _ Chisel pointed out.  _ “Welcome to the madhouse.” _

We went out for dinner as a group, in our red and green suit-like ‘costumes,’ at the most holiday-y restaurant in the whole Bay: Fugly Bob’s. Our reputation had apparently preceded us -- or maybe it was the guitar -- and we were asked to sing something. We sang The Fifteen Days of Christmas, and by the fourth verse the audience was happily singing along.

\---

“I have a little Nazi, I found it in the trash; it really smells quite awful, it’s covered in a rash.”

“O Nazi Nazi Nazi, I found it in the trash; it really smells quite awful, it’s covered in a rash.”

“I have a little Nazi, I thought it was a goat; its hair is dank and nasty, too gross to make a coat.”

“O Nazi Nazi Nazi, I thought it was a goat; its hair is dank and nasty, too gross to make a coat.”

“I have a little Nazi, it’s dumber than a brick; its head is truly empty, barely fit to suck my dick.”

“O Nazi Nazi Nazi, it’s dumber than a brick; its head is truly empty, barely fit to suck my dick.”

“I have a little Nazi, subhuman and despised; Nazi scalps are treasures, unless they’re vaporized.”

“O Nazi Nazi Nazi, subhuman and despised; Nazi scalps are treasures, unless they’re vaporized.”

I wasn’t sure why we were singing outside of Medhall, but Tammi said that they were having a company Christmas party and that this was the appropriate venue. Several men in suits stormed out of the building before we finished the first verse, prompting Dean to swear, “Motherfucker!” under his breath.

Whether or not the men recognized me, Vicky, or didn’t want to start a fight that might harm Amy I didn’t know, but they stood there and did their damndest to set us on fire with their minds while we sang. I strummed the beginning of ‘Slay Ride’ before the applause from the crowd we had attracted died off, forcing them to wait through another song before they could get rid of us.

“Celebrate your Christmas by punching a Nazi tonight!” Vicky yelled, and we turned and walked away before the suits could retort.

\---

Our next stop was apparently Lung’s favorite bar. According to Alice, the rage dragon was not much for Christmas, and would spend the relative peace drinking in solace.

“We three dudes of orient are,

Bringing gifts for Lung from your car.

Road and valley, slum and alley

Following yonder bar.”

“Oh bar of wonder, bar of night,

Bar with scummy ass delight.

Paint is peeling, Lung is reeling,

Infect us with your nasty blight.”

I had never seen Lung in person until tonight, but I had to admit that he had the threatening presence down pat. My hairs stood on end with him just standing in the door to the bar and glaring at us. However, there was the hint of a smile floating on his lips, so maybe he wasn’t ready to just roast us like chestnuts.

Lung continued to glare when we sang through our version of ‘Jingle Bells,’ and when we finished the last chord, he simply turned and went back into his bar.

“Told you this was genius,” Alice said.

\---

“All you want for Christmas is the two best Teeth,

The two best Teeth,

See the two best Teeth.

Gee, if you could only have the two best Teeth

Then we couldn't desecrate your corpses!”

“It seems so long since I could say,

‘Put all those little kiddies in a blender!’

Gosh, oh gee, how happy you’d be, if you could figure out how to end her!”

Yeah, I wasn’t letting Chrissie write any more lyrics. Especially ones that ended with my death.

\---

“So, why Christmas carols, boss?” Chrissie asked as we ambled through the park. Everyone else had gone home, and since I wanted at least one night this week where I didn’t pass out drunk, I had opted instead to go back to the park with the light installations and wander around.

“I’m not really sure,” I said. “Music was something I never really did, and Chisel was pretty damn good at the guitar. I guess I wanted to take my mind off of the whole Butcher thing, and it had been… a while, you know, since I really celebrated Christmas.”

“Hm. Your mom?” Chrissie asked, surprising me with her somber tone.

“Yeah. Dad and I… kinda fell apart, I guess. It didn’t feel right without her.”

“I get that.” She squeezed my hand in support. “Well, if it helps, the holidays are usually major suck time for me, and hanging out with you has been better than awesome. So, thanks.”

“No problem,” I murmured.

Chrissie turned and kissed me softly on the cheek. “Merry Christmas, Taylor.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit to anonymous friends for help with the lyrics.


	15. Day 15

“Chinese food on Christmas is such a good idea that if I didn’t know better, I would have said I had invented it!” Alice said around a mouthful of noodles.

Chrissie and I made vaguely agreeable noises around our food, too busy stuffing our faces to reply. Tammi just nodded, correctly keeping her mouth shut after a pointed comment by Chrissie.

 _“I can’t believe that Taste of Beijing is gone,”_ Sanguine said. _“With food that good, how could it close?”_

 _“Pretty sure it got firebombed during Lung’s takeover,”_ Alkaline said.

I swallowed my noodles and looked around the table. “So, uh, why are you all hanging out with me today? Not that I’m complaining, I just figure that you’d, you know, have your own things.”

The other three traded glances before bursting into laughter. I blushed initially at the outburst, only to blush harder when the other patrons were noticeably annoyed. “Boss,” Chrissie said. “You’re sweet, you know that?”

\---

Of course, we couldn’t just head back to my lair after breakfast. I was dragged, lightly protesting, into a nearby Japanese spa that Alice located for us. Whether they were open on Christmas usually or if Alice’s boss made a ‘request’ was not a question I particularly wanted answered.

Either way, we spent a few hours soaking in a hot spring and being thoroughly pampered. I hadn’t been in a spa since… Emma, and I had forgotten just how soothing the whole experience was. Even the Butchers were mostly content to sit and be quiet.

“Merry Christmas you big doofus,” Alice said as we were getting dressed. She was smiling, but it was a genuine smile instead of her usual self-satisfied smirk.

It took my spa-addled brain a second to process that. “Oh, thank you,” I mumbled. “Sorry I didn’t get you anything.”

“Are you kidding? Did you _see_ the faces on everyone last night?” Alice practically yelled.

“On the same note, Merry Christmas, Taylor,” Tammi said, handing me a wrapped package.

“You shouldn’t have,” I said as I unwrapped the gift. It was another Christmas sweater, uglier and gaudier than any I had ever seen. “Literally.”

 _“That sweater makes me wonder if there’s an ugly sweater Tinker somewhere, because that transcends normal human ability to create eye-watering unsightly clothes,”_ Chisel said.

Still, I pulled the sweater on and tried not to mess up the fancy braid of my hair. Based on the smell, I had the sinking suspicion that Alice had cajoled a spa employee to throw my clothes into a washing machine. I certainly wasn’t complaining.

“You’ll have to wait until we get back to get my present,” Chrissie said, a devious smile wide on her face.

Oh no.

\---

There were seven very recognizable people waiting for us when we finally returned to my lair. Chrissie pouted when I reminded her that my bugs gave me more or less local omniscience, and then demanded that I carry her the rest of the way. I acquiesced mostly so that I could get home faster.

“Merry Christmas!” the assembled heroes and Undersiders chorused as we walked in.

“Uh, merry Christmas to you too,” I said. “Don’t you all, um, have families or something?”

Amy snorted in derision and Alec rolled his eyes. “Dork, trust me, this is better.”

“I’ve got to get back soon,” Carlos admitted, “but I wanted to be here for this.”

“For what?” I asked, ignoring Chrissie’s preening.

Dean stepped forwards with a small wrapped box. “From all of us.”

I tore the wrapping paper off, only to discover… “A cell phone?” I asked, confused.

“It has all of our numbers programmed into it!” Vicky said excitedly. “That way you have people to talk to if you get lonely!”

The box trembled in my hand.

My eyes watered.

Any response I might have had was cut off by Chrissie attempting to crush me with a hug.

“Th-thanks, everyone,” I managed to squeeze out. “Merry Christmas.”

\---

The heroes left shortly after giving me my present, though Amy and Missy were obviously not happy about going wherever they were headed.

Lisa started a movie in the makeshift theatre, something from Aleph that I ignored for doing two important things.

The first was painful, but unfortunately necessary. Dad picked up the second ring. “Hello?”

“Hi dad,” I said.

“Taylor? Oh my god, Taylor, I’m sorry, I didn’t --”

“Dad. It’s fine.”

 _“You’re a lousy liar,”_ Ironsides said.

I grit my teeth and shoved the Butchers all away. “Merry Christmas, dad.”

Even through the phone, I could tell that he was tearing up. “Merry Christmas, Taylor.”

The second…

“Chrissie, how do I send a mass text?”

…

_Taylor: Hey everyone, do you guys have plans for New Years?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's a wrap! Merry Christmas, everyone!
> 
> I want to thank everyone who left encouraging comments over the course of the story -- you really made writing this story worthwhile, and I'm glad I was able to keep you laughing. This year certainly needs the cheer.
> 
> I probably won't continue this specific story, but you haven't seen the last of Chrissie and this particular set of Butchers! Unfortunately, I have two other fics in the queue ahead of that one: The Body Shop and my upcoming Malicious Compliance Wards!Taylor that will be posted soon.


End file.
